Category Archives: Quotations

Abraham Lincoln

“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”

Abraham Lincoln

“‘Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.”

Albert Einstein

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

Living in California…

“Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola; what ain’t fruits or nuts, is flakes.”


“This I before E stuff would’ve screwed up Einstein. He’s got it wrong twice in his name.” – Gallagher

Miss Piggy

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”

Steven Wright

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates…|
 When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, ‘Do I know you?'”


Charles M. Schulz

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.”

Groucho Marx

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”

To quote Woody Allen

“My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.”

Fred Allen

“Television is a new medium. It’s called a medium because nothing is well-done.”

Rodney Dangerfield

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.”

To quote Charles M. Shulz

“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?”/ Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.””

To Quote Isaac Asimov

“The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’ (I found it!) but ‘That’s funny …'”

Steven Wright

“Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.”

George Burns

“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”

To Quote Douglas Adams

“He hoped and prayed that there wasn’t an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn’t an afterlife.”

– Douglas Adams

To Quote Harry Morgan

“A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can’t help himself.”


-Harry Morgan

Ronnie Shakes

“After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, ‘No hablo ingles.'”

Emo Phillips

“At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.”