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Monthly Archives: July 2011
A cocky U.S. Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, ‘I need to inspect your farm.’
The old farmer said, ‘OK, but don’t go in that field right over yonder.’
The Agriculture representative said, ‘Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand!?’
The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.
Half an hour later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer’s huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step.
The Rep was clearly terrified, so farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out, ‘Your card! Your card! Show him your card!’
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
A place where women curl up and dye.
Someone who is fed up with people.
The only animals you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
An insect that makes you like flies better.
Grape with a sunburn.
Something you tell to one person at a time.
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
The pain that drives you to extraction.
One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.
An honest opinion openly expressed.
and A Personal Favorite!!
Something other people have.
I have character lines!
Texas Gov. Rick Perry, probably a Republican presidential candidate soon, noted the shuttle’s demise will cost Houston’s manned space flight headquarters alone some 4,000 jobs “forcing NASA away from its original purpose of space exploration and ignoring its groundbreaking past and enormous future potential.”
In his strongly-worded Thursday message, Perry added:
Forty-two years ago yesterday, America captured the world’s imagination by putting a man on the moon, highlighting an era of excellence in space exploration.
Unfortunately, with the final landing of the Shuttle Atlantis and no indication of plans for future missions, this administration has set a significantly different milestone by shutting down our nation’s legacy of leadership in human spaceflight and exploration, leaving American astronauts with no alternative but to hitchhike into space.
We’ve all seen five-million-pound U.S. space shuttles launch, 135 times to be exact.
We’ve all seen them land back on Earth in Florida or California, 133 times to be exact.
But not until the very last space shuttle flight did we ever get to see what the giant craft’s return to the atmosphere looks like — from space.
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.”
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”
Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
Atlantis returned to Earth this morning, marking the end of NASA’s 135th and final shuttle voyage, and closing the era of re-usable space vehicles.
1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over…)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Steve.
“It may seem like a sort of an ending, and I suppose to a degree it is. The space shuttle has been with us at the heart and soul of the human spaceflight program for about 30 years, and it’s a little sad to see it go away,” commander Chris Ferguson said as the crew sat for a series of TV interviews Wednesday.
In the United States, millions of Americans have witnessed no other form of human space transport in their lifetime.
Commander Ferguson called on Americans back home to tune in to the final landing.
“Take a good look at it and make a memory,” he said, “because you’re never going to see anything like this again.”
A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the country.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The hillbilly asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips.”
The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, “Shit, me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.”
I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called Life Line.
I was put through to a call center in Pakistan.
I explained that I was feeling suicidal.
They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane…