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Monthly Archives: June 2011
A Irishman walks into a pub. Curious about the bartender’s collection of steins on the mantel, he climbs up on a chair to have a look.
He knocks over an old wooden one and it falls to the floor. When the man looks down, he sees a leprechaun.
The leprechaun says, “You have freed me. Now I will grant you three wishes. What’ll they be?”
The Irishman says, “How about a bottomless mug of Schnapps”
It appears on the table in front of him. The man gulps and gulps until he is sure that the mug would not run dry.
Then the leprechaun says, “OK, you got two more wishes. What’ll they be?”
The man says “I like this one, how about two more just like it?”
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.
“Man, that guy is stupid,” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here’s why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That’s 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That’s 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? I don’t think so.
Peter Michael Falk was an American actor, best known for his role as Lieutenant Columbo in the television series Columbo. He appeared in numerous films and television guest roles and was nominated for an Academy Award twice (for 1960’s Murder, Inc. and 1961’s Pocketful of Miracles), and won the Emmy Award on five occasions (four for Columbo) and the Golden Globe award once.
“Wise men talk because they have something to say;
fools, because they have to say something.”
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey “Hey, what’re you doing?”
The monkey replies, “Smokin’ a joint – come up and have some.”
So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they smoke a few joints.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and he’s going to the river to get a drink.
The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get a drink of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over too far and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side.
Then he asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?”
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint.
The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says “Hey!”
The monkey looks down and says, “Wowwwwwwwwwwwww…….. Dude! How much water did you drink?!”
The space shuttle Atlantis is preparing for the final mission of the U.S. shuttle program next month. Atlantis’s crew is excited and reflective before the space craft’s last flight.
The crew, led by mission commander Christopher Ferguson, met journalists at the Kennedy Space Center in Florida. Ferguson, a retired U.S. Navy Captain said he and his crewmates feel a special obligation to do well.
“I think, and we have not talked about this, each of us feel extra burdened to make sure we put on the best possible face forward for the last go around of this, and the crew is very prepared,” said Ferguson. “We are going to go out and do a very fantastic job.”
Ferguson, Pilot Doug Hurley and mission specialists Sandy Magnus and Rex Walheim will deliver spare parts and supplies to the International Space Station during their flight. Atlantis will also test whether it is possible to robotically refuel orbiting satellites during its 12-day mission.
The shuttle will return with a failed ammonia pump module to help NASA better understand the failure mechanism and improve pump designs for future systems.
Atlantis is scheduled to liftoff July 8 and Ferguson says he expects the final landing to be a poignant moment for everyone involved with the shuttle program.
“Like I said, when it is all over at the very end I think that is when the enormity of it is going to hit us,” added Ferguson. “You know that last wheel stop call is going to be a little tough.”
The mission is the last of the U.S. Space Shuttle program. During its 30-year-history the shuttle fleet – Columbia, Atlantis, Challenger, Discovery, and Endeavour – has logged more than 825 million kilometers of space travel. The first shuttle, Enterprise, never flew in space.
Two of the shuttles – Challenger and Columbia – and their crews were lost. Challenger exploded during launch in January 1986. Columbia disintegrated just minutes before landing in February 2003.
NASA expects to start testing the shuttle’s replacement, the Orion spacecraft, with astronauts on board sometime in 2013.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week..’ The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I can not accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
Kristoffer “Kris” Kristofferson (born June 22, 1936) is an influential American country music songwriter, singer and actor. He is best known for hits such as “Me and Bobby McGee”, “Sunday Mornin’ Comin’ Down”, and “Help Me Make It Through the Night”.
Clarence Anicholas Clemons, Jr. (January 11, 1942 – June 18, 2011), also known as The Big Man, was an American musician and actor. From 1972 until his death, he was a prominent member of Bruce Springsteen’s E Street Band, playing the tenor saxophone. He released several solo albums and in 1985 had a hit single with “You’re a Friend of Mine”, a duet with Jackson Browne. As a guest musician he also featured on Aretha Franklin’s classic “Freeway of Love” and on Twisted Sister’s “Be Chrool to Your Scuel” as well as performing in concert with The Grateful Dead and Ringo Starr & His All-Starr Band. As an actor Clemons featured in several films, including New York, New York and Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure. He also made cameo appearances in several TV series, including Diff’rent Strokes, Nash Bridges, The Simpsons and The Wire. Together with his television writer friend Don Reo he published his autobiography, Big Man: Real Life & Tall Tales, in 2009. Clemons suffered a stroke on June 12, 2011 and died of complications from the stroke on June 18 at 69 years of age.
The first motion picture theater was called a nickelodeon because admission was a nickel.
It opened in McKeesport, PA on June 19,1905.
On Father’s Day, a little boy decides to make his dad breakfast in bed. He makes scrambled eggs, toast and coffee. He brings it into his dad, hands him the cup of coffee and says, ”Try it dad.”
The dad takes a sip and nearly passes out because it is so strong.
The little boy asks, ”How do you like it Dad?”
The dad doesn’t want to hurt the little boy’s feelings so he says, ”This is….something else, I’ve never tasted coffee quite like this before, Son.”
The little boy smiles from ear to ear. And says, ”Drink some more Pops.”
As the dad is drinking, he notices two army men in the bottom of the cup, and says, ”Hey! Why did you put army men in here?”
The little boy again smiles and sings, ”The Best Part Of Waking Up, Is SOLDIERS In Your Cup.”
Happy Father’s Day!
The leggy Dutch tourist said she was pulled over by an NYPD cop for flashing too much skin while on two wheels.
“He said it’s very disturbing, and it’s distracting the cars and it’s dangerous,” Rijcken told the Daily News. “I thought he was joking around but he got angry and asked me for ID.”
Rijcken, 31, was not given a ticket during the May 3 incident, and did not get the officer’s name, but was left feeling baffled.
“I didn’t even think for one second that my outfit could be harmful or disturbing,” she said.
As general manager of a Dutch bicycle company, Rijcken was in New York to attend the New Amsterdam Bike Show and hopped on her wheels that sunny day to experience biking in New York City first hand.
She says she got more than she bargained for. “I was on my way back to the hotel when it happened and I changed into pants,” she said. “I didn’t want to get into trouble again.”
NYPD Deputy Commissioner Paul Browne said: “Whether this story bears even a modest semblance of what actually occurred is impossible to establish without being provided the purported officer’s name and getting his side of the story.”