A Irishman walks into a pub. Curious about the bartender’s collection of steins on the mantel, he climbs up on a chair to have a look.

He knocks over an old wooden one and it falls to the floor. When the man looks down, he sees a leprechaun.

The leprechaun says, “You have freed me. Now I will grant you three wishes. What’ll they be?”

The Irishman says, “How about a bottomless mug of Schnapps”

It appears on the table in front of him. The man gulps and gulps until he is sure that the mug would not run dry.

Then the leprechaun says, “OK, you got two more wishes. What’ll they be?”

The man says “I like this one, how about two more just like it?”

(Typical Irishman)

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

“Man, that guy is stupid,” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here’s why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That’s 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That’s 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That’s 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That’s 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That’s 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That’s 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don’t think so.

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey “Hey, what’re you doing?”

The monkey replies, “Smokin’ a joint – come up and have some.”

So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they smoke a few joints.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and he’s going to the river to get a drink.

The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get a drink of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over too far and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side.

Then he asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?”

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint.

The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says “Hey!”

The monkey looks down and says, “Wowwwwwwwwwwwww…….. Dude! How much water did you drink?!”

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week..’ The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I can not accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can no longer afford batteries.

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift was a bank.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street “Wal-Mart Street.”

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes.

It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.

Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.

After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. What….am….I???

As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own………….

Read more »

Three women were undergoing recruitment by the KGB.

“An agent must be absolutely loyal to the agency and must not question or disobey orders, no matter what he or she thinks of them,” said the recruiter. “Each of you must take the final loyalty test.”

Read more »

A young fellow walks into a talent agent’s office and says he wants to break into show-biz, so the agent says “O.K. kid show me what you do”.

The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent.

“Great kid! Just great!” says the agent “I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on T.V.” (this was the early sixties) “By the way, what’s your name?”

Read more »

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying “NERDS NOT ALLOWED — ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!”

He goes in and sits down.

Read more »

Dear Friends,

Many of you may not know it, but I have been very busy over the last 2 years putting my thoughts and ideas together in a book.

I believe my new book on GOLF gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my years of struggle and experience. I’m hopeful you find this a useful tool to help you enjoy your game that much more as you enjoy the great outdoors.

Chapter 1 – How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt.

Chapter 2 – How to Hit a Nike from the Rough, when you Hit a Titleist from the tee.

Chapter 3 – How to Avoid the Water when You Lie 8 in a bunker.

Chapter 4 – How to Get More Distance off the Shank.

Chapter 5 – When to Give the Ranger the Finger.

Chapter 6 – Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings.

Chapter 7 – When to Implement Handicap Management.

Chapter 8 – Proper Excuses for Drinking Before 9:00 a.m.

Chapter 9 – How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round.

Chapter 10- When Does A Divot become classified as Sod.

Chapter 11 – How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the water.

Chapter 12 – Why your Spouse Doesn’t Care That You Birdied the 5th..

Chapter 13 – Using Curse words Creatively to Control Ball Flight.

Chapter 14 – When to Let a Foursome Play through Your Twosome.

Chapter 15 – How to Relax When You Are Hitting five off the Tee.

Chapter 16 – When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent.

Chapter 17 – God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt.

Chapter 18 – When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever.

Chapter 19 – Throwing Your Clubs: An Effective Stress-Reduction Technique.

Chapter 20 – Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?

Chapter 21 – Proper Apology for Clearing Your Throat During Opponent’s Backswing.

Chapter 22 – Why Male Golfers Will Pay .00 a Beer from the Cart Girl and Give her a Tip , but will balk at .50 at the 19th Hole and stiff the Bartender.

Thanking you in advance for your order.