As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother’s, so he goes back to ask her why.
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Posted in Humor
The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.
‘No way! No needles! I hate needles,’ the patient said.
The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects.
‘I can’t do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!’
The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
‘No objection,’ the patient says.
‘I’m fine with pills.’
The Dentist then returns and says, ‘Here’s a Viagra tablet.’
The patient says, ‘Wow! I didn’t know Viagra worked as a painkiller!!!’
‘It doesn’t,’ said the Dentist, ‘but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth.’
Posted in Humor
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”
The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”
The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”
Posted in Humor
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my drink and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Posted in Humor
A Irishman walks into a pub. Curious about the bartender’s collection of steins on the mantel, he climbs up on a chair to have a look.
He knocks over an old wooden one and it falls to the floor. When the man looks down, he sees a leprechaun.
The leprechaun says, “You have freed me. Now I will grant you three wishes. What’ll they be?”
The Irishman says, “How about a bottomless mug of Schnapps”
It appears on the table in front of him. The man gulps and gulps until he is sure that the mug would not run dry.
Then the leprechaun says, “OK, you got two more wishes. What’ll they be?”
The man says “I like this one, how about two more just like it?”
(Typical Irishman)
Posted in Humor
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.
“Man, that guy is stupid,” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here’s why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That’s 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That’s 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That’s 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That’s 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That’s 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That’s 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? I don’t think so.
Posted in Humor
Quote
“Wise men talk because they have something to say;
fools, because they have to say something.”
– Plato
Posted in Humor
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey “Hey, what’re you doing?”
The monkey replies, “Smokin’ a joint – come up and have some.”
So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they smoke a few joints.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and he’s going to the river to get a drink.
The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get a drink of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over too far and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side.
Then he asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?”
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint.
The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says “Hey!”
The monkey looks down and says, “Wowwwwwwwwwwwww…….. Dude! How much water did you drink?!”
Posted in Humor
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week..’ The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I can not accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
Posted in Humor
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can no longer afford batteries.
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
I bought a toaster oven and my free gift was a bank.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
They renamed Wall Street “Wal-Mart Street.”
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
Posted in Humor
