Category Archives: Humor

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Vodka Christmas Cake

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes.

Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

  • 1 cup sugar,
  • 1 tsp. baking powder,
  • 1 cup water,
  • 1 tsp. salt ,
  • 1 cup brown sugar,
  • Lemon juice,
  • 4 large eggs,
  • Nuts,
  • 1 bottle Vodka (your choice),
  • 2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality.

Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer.

Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add 1 teaspoon of sugar.

Beat again.

At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK.

Try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something.

Check the Vodka.

Now shit shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.

Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window.

Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the dog……

 

Straight

Straight to Youtube

Driver Flips In Brutal High-Speed Crash And Wins Race After Sliding On His Roof

FIA GT World Cup Audi R8 LMS racer Laurens Vanthoor clipped the inside curb at Macau’s Mandarin Bend at 155 mph, sending him out of control into the wall on the other side of the track, per Motorsport.com. Vanthoor’s Audi flipped over and started sliding on its roof, immediately triggering a red flag to stop the race.
In case you’re not familiar with the Macau Grand Prix, it’s a race weekend held on a thoroughly insane, super-narrow street course. A pile-up at the wrong spot can clog the full width of the track and completely stop a race, but that doesn’t prevent drivers from going balls-out and bouncing off every corner of the tight walls.
In other words, this crash may be the most Macau thing to happen ever.
Vanthoor described the experience as surreal to Motorsport.com, and confirmed that he was fine:
Physically I am okay. It is fine. It is just one of the nastiest corners to do a crash.
To do half the straight upside down and see the other cars coming is something not really describable. It was a scary memory in my mind. But besides that physically I am okay.
Vanthoor was able to climb out of his Orlove’d car safely, under his own power.
The race was not restarted, as had already been delayed due to a prior crash, according to Motorsport.com. While Vanthoor had just been passed by Earl Bamber’s Porsche 911 before the crash, they opted to declare the winner based on the results of the previous lap, where Vanthoor was ahead.
Because of this, Vanthoor told Motorsport.com that he had mixed feelings about taking the win:
I don’t really know if I deserved it in a way, as I crashed and made a mistake and I am still a winner – which is very awkward. But I don’t really know what to say. It would have been a better show for everybody without the crash and a better victory, but I don’t know what to think about it.
Porsche, of course, was obviously not happy about the race result, as their driver Earl Bamber had passed Vanthoor before the red flag. Porsche wrote in their post-race press release:
When the race for the FIA GT World Cup in Macau was stopped and not restarted, the New Zealander Earl Bamber was in the lead at the wheel of the Porsche 911 GT3 R. However, the stewards of the meeting awarded the prestigious win on the legendary city circuit in the former Portuguese colony to Belgium’s Laurens Vanthoor – the very driver who had just been overtaken by the Porsche in a sensational manoeuvre, and had caused the race to be called off after his serious accident.
Salty! But understandable.
Bamber had been assessed a five-second penalty for squeezing another car into the wall at the start, which caused him to be classified fourth, reports Motorsport.com. Fellow Porsche racer Kévin Estre, who was right behind Vanthoor before the crash, was classified in second place.

Extravaganza!

Extravaganza

The Plane That Flew Itself

In 1970, a plane got fed up with its pilot so it hatched an audacious plan. First, get rid of the pilot. Second: land. Third: enter history. The result was amazing.

On February 2, 1970 four pilots of the 71st Fighter-Interceptor Squadron were to take off from the Malmstrom Air Force Base in Montana. They were to do so on Convair F-106A-100-CO Delta Darts and engage in mock combat.

But one plane had ideas of its own. Just as it was about to take off, its drag chute deployed – forcing its pilot to abort.

So then there were three. Major Tom Curtis was to “fight” Major Jim Lowe and Captain Gary Faust. No problem – they’d been through this before. Or so they thought.

The three split up to begin their dogfight. Once they were 20 miles apart, ground controllers gave them all different vectors to ensure that each had a fair chance. From that point on, they could do whatever they felt was necessary to win.

Curtis went after Faust first, so he accelerated to Mach 1.90. The plan was to force Faust into a vertical engagement that would put him at a disadvantage.

The three planes zoomed toward each other and overshot. Curtis climbed, forcing the other two to try and catch up. Having entered the climb faster, he had the advantage, but it couldn’t last.

So he switched to vertical scissors – using his speed to climb and dive in a spiral while doing a barrel roll. He then took it a step further by widening his spirals, forcing the other two to break out of their own climb.

Once past 38,000 feet, Curtis did a high-G rudder reversal – turning and rolling to reduce his thrust, thereby forcing his “enemy” to overshoot him. It worked… sort of. Faust took the bait, which probably annoyed his plane.

Tail number 58-0787 shuddered, then went into an accelerated stall – meaning it suddenly plunked its nose downward. Then it made a beeline toward the ground.

Curtis saw it all. From his angle, it looked as if the plane’s tail was doing a slow circuit around its wobbling nose – disaster! It’s called a flat spin. And once an F-106A does that, it’s almost as good as dead.

Fortunately, the men were seasoned, professional pilots. Lowe’s calm voice came over Faust’s radio – carefully going over spin recovery procedures step-by-step. Faust followed them all faithfully, trying to maneuver the plane’s nose at an angle that would break its spin.

He set the plane’s trim to the take-off position, but 58-0787 refused to respond. Trimming frees the pilot from having to exert constant pressure on the controls, but it did no good. Nothing worked.

There was only one thing left to do – activate the drag chute. This wasn’t meant to be used in flight, however. It’s only for extra braking when a plane lands. The hope was that it would slow the plane down enough so Faust could get it at the angle needed to break its spin.

So he deployed it, and off it went… wrapping itself around 58-0787’s vertical stabilizer. Perhaps even more annoyed by that, the F-106A continued its downward spiral of doom. Faust had exhausted all of his options.

And having fallen below the 15,000 feet mark, he had also run out of time. If he was to survive, he had to bail – so he did.

It was the signal that 58-0787 was waiting for. The blast that catapulted Faust out was exactly what was needed to push its nose straight down.

The plane broke out of its spin, leveled off, and resumed flying in a straight line – albeit with a slight left and right wobbling. Even better, Faust had set the trim to take-off, which was similar to the landing trim position. And best of all, he had moved the throttle to “idle” – putting the plane into a steady gliding descent.

Except that he was no longer in it. Lowe saw it all and couldn’t help laughing, “Gary? You better get back into that thing!”

But 58-0787 was having none of it. Freed of its human, at last, it flew off into the vast blue skies above northern Montana. Faust, meanwhile, could only watch in awe as his plane continued to fly on without him as he slowly parachuted down into the snow-covered Bear Paw Mountains.

Curtis and Lowe radioed his position and headed back to base. All three hoped that wherever 58-0787 crashed, it wouldn’t be on anyone below. As for Faust, he was rescued shortly after landing by a group of Native Americans on snowmobiles.

But 58-0787 had no intention of crashing. Traveling at about 175 knots, it reveled in its new-found freedom till it reached the town of Big Sandy (population: 598 in 2010) in Chouteau County. Seeing a lovely snow-covered alfalfa field, it made a slow, steady downward glide till it touched ground.

Delighted by the snow, it continued to slide, making sure to stay steady and avoid letting either wing touch the earth. But there was trouble ahead. Cutting across the field at an angle to its approach lay a low, stone wall with only a narrow gap in the middle.

So 58-0787 slid to the right, did a 20° turn, slipped through the opening, and continued on into the next field where it finally stopped before an astonished farmer. The man called the sheriff, of course, who called the base.

They asked him to assess the damage, but each time he tried to get close, 58-0787 would jiggle and dance, trying to get away. Finally, the authorities told him to just let the thing be – it would run out of fuel, eventually.

By the time the military got there, it had done just that – almost two hours later. So they took off its wings and hauled it back to base. To their surprise, except for some superficial scratches on its underside, it was still flight-worthy and later put back in active service.

They called Faust the “Cornfield Bomber” after that, but he was not a bomber. Nor did 58-0787 land in a cornfield. It now rests at the National Museum of the US Air Force, restored to its former glory, and no doubt reminiscing about its Montana adventure.

58-0787 resting on an alfalfa field in Montana

58-0787 after making a right turn to avoid the stone wall

Major Gary Foust (retired) with 58-0787 (also retired) behind him

Can I Let In The White Puppy Dog?

Can I Let In The White Puppy

Contract

Contract

Canadian Middle Finger

Canadian Middle Finger

Christmas Tree Portal

Christmas Tree Portal

Inexperienced Chili Taster

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

“Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy cow, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting drunk from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. wench is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off? It really makes me mad that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. The heck with those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I messed myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like stuff to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. The heck with it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chili?

FRANK: ————– (editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

 

 

Jungle Boogie

Caught!

Caught

Christmas Lights – Ditto

Christmas Lights Ditto

Don’t Forget to Mail Those Christmas Cards!

Postal Crack

Happy Thanksgiving!

Undocumented Immigrant

Ranch

ranch

I don’t fits

i_dont_fits

Caution

caution

Political Burgers

political_burgers